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We all know that Americans love to sue. It’s what they’re famous for. Doctors, employers, plastic surgeons, fast food outlets; no one is safe from the ceaseless deluge of lawsuits across the pond. When Americans are not suing other people, they’re being sued themselves. It’s a right old sue-a-thon over there. I’ll probably get sued just for writing that.

Crass generalisations aside, this story in USA Today takes insanity to a whole new level even by American standards.

A couple in New Jersey are suing their landlord because they believe the house they rent from him is haunted. If you’re looking for further proof that mankind is doomed, read that sentence over and over until the degree of idiocy we’re dealing with here is fully absorbed. Ready? Great.

The couple, both in their mid-thirties, claim that they have been driven out of their home after being terrified by paranormal lunacy such as “lights that switch on and off by themselves, clothes and towels mysteriously ejected from closets, unintelligible whispering, footsteps in the kitchen and a mysterious force tugging at bedsheets during the night.” As such, they want their $2,250 deposit back and are going through the courts to get it.

They even have irrefutable proof that the house is haunted to back up their claims. Well, not so much irrefutable proof as just some people saying things, but still.

Marianne Brigando, co-founder of NJ Paranormal Investigators of Old Bridge (or Garbage Peddlers Extraordinaire), has conducted an investigation (ie stood around in their house for a bit) and supports the couple’s view that their home is the “site of an active or intelligent haunting, one level above a residual haunting.” An intelligent haunting? That’s ironic, considering that the house seems to have been an intelligence-free zone of late.  

Also, isn’t it kind of in her best interests to convince people that ghosts are real? After all, if people didn’t believe in ghosts there would be technically no reason for people like her to even exist. I’m not saying she has an agenda or anything (even though she absolutely does), it just seems a little convenient that paranormal investigators will invariably find some “evidence” of ghosts in any situation where they are called upon. Shouldn’t someone be regulating this madness?

Pastor Terence Sullivan of the Element Church in North Brunswick, who, to be fair, is an expert in things that don’t exist, has counseled the family through the ordeal and even blessed the house, before reaching the conclusion that “demonic possession” is at work. Right, that settles it then. Case closed. Give them their money back, pronto.

Well, not so fast. In response to the lawsuit, USA Today reports that landlord Dr. Richard Lopez has filed a countersuit claiming that the couple is using “the specter of paranormal activity as a cover for personal financial troubles. In short, he claims they can’t afford the place and want their money back.” Seems plausible enough to me.

His attorney also says that no one else has ever claimed before that the house is haunted.

So who to believe? Some chancers who have seen too many horror films for their poor brains to process, fed a load of horseshit by crackpot “experts” of questionable merit, or an exasperated landlord who is just trying to earn an honest buck? Clue: it’s the landlord. Definitely believe the landlord.

Hilariously, some people commenting on the message board beneath the story have had the temerity to disagree with me and seem to support the couple. Some have even mumbled something about “Full Disclosure laws”  and how the landlord was obligated to disclose that the house haunted before renting it to the couple. Yes, that makes a lot of sense:

“So this is the second bedroom…”

“Okay…”

“And this is the bathroom. As you can see, it’s a good size.”

“Mmm.”

“Oh, and the whole place is swarming with malevolent demons who will mercilessly tear your life asunder.”

“Sounds perfect. Where do I sign?”

Anyway, why should he have to declare something that he doesn’t even believe in? He might as well warn them that the Tooth Fairy lives in the loft and that they share the communal garden with a family of leprechauns. It’s total fantasy.

Reading the comments was, in fact, more alarming than the premise of the story itself, full of worthy “you don’t know them so please don’t judge them” types with their silly “unexplained things do happen, ghosts could exist” views.

Look, let’s be absolutely clear on this: there is nothing wrong with judging people who have already proven beyond all doubt that they are total morons. It’s what separates us from primates. If we all just went around giving people the benefit of the doubt and accepting their deranged theories about ghosts and aliens and God knows what else, then who knows where we would be? People like this couple would probably rule the world, at which point we’d be better off praying for Armageddon so that the human race can start all over again.

The story even ends on a delightfully tenuous link to the The Amityville Horror, revealing with triumph that the film was filmed in the same town as the house in question. Coincidence?

Yes. A thousand times yes.

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Ever had your neighbours complain about the noise? If you’ve ever been young and reckless, or lived in shared student accommodation, the chances are that you probably have.

Not me. Even as a student my nights were an unrelenting spiral of solitude and despair; hours and hours of crushing loneliness punctuated only by an occasional fit of sobbing.

If, however (and it’s an ‘if’ bigger than Westminster Abbey), I ever did get invited to a social gathering of any kind, I could only dream of thinking of an excuse as brilliant and audacious as this for keeping the whole street awake.

Despite an ever increasing pile of wine and cider bottles building up in her back garden, young mother Leanne Fennell (pictured below dressed as an X-Rated Sgt Bilko) insisted that a poltergeist is responsible for the noise pollution rather than her party lifestyle. Ms Fennell claimed that the fun-loving ghoul would turn the music up to full volume when she was fast asleep in bed, and then throw cans of beer into the garden. What? It could happen.

Surprisingly, no one was buying this version of events and she was soon turfed out of her council house and ordered to pay a hefty fine.

Despite commendable defiance in the face of mounting evidence against her, Fennell let herself down by admitting on her Facebook page that “I love to party with my mates, well, the ones who can keep up with me that is.” Her defence, far from watertight to begin with, was shattered and Hull magistrates court, the highest legal power there is, found Fennell guilty of four breaches of her noise abatement notice.

The Metro reported that “Council Officers also seized four televisions, four DVD players and a CD player, which will now be destroyed”, probably in a manner so cold and brutal it would have made the SS seem like the Samaritans. Isn’t that a pretty pointless punishment anyway? It’s not like she won’t figure out how to make noise using other means. It’s like punishing a serial thief by hiding their swag bag.

Anyway, maximum points to Leanne for effort but this serves as a chilling reminder that the ghosts will always find you out.

Have you ever read a local newspaper? I wouldn’t bother. Nothing exciting ever happens locally. I know that technically everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere and will therefore obviously be local to someone, but you know what I mean. Not in your town. Not where you live.

As a student, I once did a work placement on a local newspaper in a nondescript town somewhere in the UK. It was rubbish. I regularly had to check my pulse to make sure I hadn’t slipped into a coma. The highlight of my time there was conducting a phone “interview” with someone who worked in a petrol station about a new road that was being built around the town. He told me to “fuck off” and then hung up. I took his advice and have never looked back. I probably owe more to that man than any careers advisor I have ever spoken to.

Well, now I’m running a paranormal blog and living the dream. Who’s laughing now, petrol station man? Still you? Oh. Well, fair enough.

Local news stories of any public interest whatsoever are extremely thin on the ground, and none more so than at the Forest of Dean and Wye Valley Review (snappy title, guys!) where the barrel has clearly been scraped dry.

Their headline report on The Haunted Bus Stop is nothing short of absurd; an extraordinary attempt to fill their pages with something other than advertising space, classified ads and “Hands Off Our Forest” campaigns. They do love their forests in Gloucestershire. They just can’t get enough of bloody forests.

Anyway, the report claims that a bus driver, who wisely wishes to remain anonymous in case his employers think he’s mentally ill and his family disown him, has seen a ghostly figure waiting at a bus stop en route to the town of Cinderford. Twice.

The first encounter happened at the end of a shift when he noticed a solitary man waiting at the side of the road. As it was past midnight and no bus was due, the driver thought he would be helpful and offer him a lift. However, once he had pulled over and had a look around, there was nobody in sight. “I wondered if it had just been a reflection in one of the glass panels,” he mused.

After thinking nothing of it and putting it out of his mind, it has happened again at the very same bus stop. A mere 18 MONTH LATER.

The Forest of Dean and Wye Valley Review claims that the driver “remembered the figure had looked exactly the same and was even looking in the same direction on both occasions.”  Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he remember something totally insignificant that he had all but forgotten from a year and a half previous? I’m sure we all would.

Hilariously, the paper are appealing for information on any tragedy which might have taken place at this spot which would cause such frequent (well, two) paranormal sightings. There is a telephone number provided so why not give them a call? Go nuts. I’m definitely not encouraging anyone to make stuff up for a laugh. I’m just saying that it’s a possibility, that’s all. At least think about it.

Evidently not afraid to tackle the big issues, the paper is even running a poll asking the pertinent question: Do you believe a bus shelter can be haunted? Alarmingly, 73% have answered Yes.

Read that back, take your time. 73% of the people who have read this article are convinced that, yes, a bus shelter can be haunted. Surely that’s enough evidence to get the entire population of the Forest of Dean sectioned?

Other unrelated headlines in the Forest of Dean and Wye Valley recently include ‘Dogs Blamed For Attack On Llama’, ‘The Little Girl Who Moved Men To Tears’, ‘Pigs With A Point’ and, my personal favourite, ‘Animal Armageddon’.

I’m not making any of this up.

Proving once again that the internet is an ocean of stupidity, never short of willing participants eager to dive in and drown, Looking For Ghosts stumbled across this photo which has apparently gone “viral”.

For those of you who might have actually lived a worthwhile existence during the last couple of years and don’t understand the language of smug, media bores, the term “going viral” is used to describe something gaining inexplicable popularity on the internet. The opposite of this blog, essentially.  

According to the Daily Mail, who took time out from their usual routine of castigating immigrants and casual homophobia to cover this extremely important story, the picture has “divided the internet between the people who can see it, and those who cannot.”

Really? Not meaning to question the infinite wisdom of the Daily Mail, but what about the conveniently-ignored third group of people who can clearly see the face but have concluded that it’s an obvious hoax? Without presuming to know every reader of this blog personally (although we suspect it wouldn’t take too long), we’d like to think that most of us fall into this category.

If you don’t fall into this category, ask yourself why a “demon” would be squashed under a sofa cushion. Then ask yourself why anyone would be taking a photo of a sofa in the first place.

In fact, it doesn’t even look like a demon: it’s just a normal face. There’s nothing remotely sinister about it. It’s not even making a scary expression or anything. The whole thing is absurd.

In order to try and disguise an obvious lack of material (something we would NEVER do), the article is padded out with some reactionary fluff from the world of Twitter, which is what Journalists do nowadays in lieu of actually having to do any work themselves. “It genuinely made me Jump when I saw it, be warned!” wrote Ryan Evans, sounding like a genuine moron.

Clearly struggling for content, the article lumps another unrelated “scary face” picture at the bottom of the article in a hilarious attempt to tie it all together. But this one’s even more farcical; it’s just one of the girl’s friends standing behind them.

If this is the kind of nonsense the internet is being used for, it should be taken away and replaced with a book.

Pete Doherty has to say some pretty demented things to keep himself in the news these days. Whereas once he would simply have to break wind to cause unbridled tabloid frenzy, now Doherty could probably soil himself live on Daybreak and no one would bat an eyelid. With the possible exception of Adrian Chiles, whose job it would be to clean it up.

Now that he’s not dating Kate Moss or creating music of any worth, Doherty’s star has faded so badly that even the NME, whose Journalists once queued up to give him blowjobs, no longer seem to care. Evidently Pete’s not even fashionable enough to appeal to the bovine readership of a magazine aimed squarely at people with an appalling taste in music, despite once being their poster boy. He’s so washed up even he isn’t sure who he is anymore.

Pete Doherty, seen here booking his Eurostar ticket.

Anyway, the former Libertine and hawker of shit music has apparently seen the ghost of his former friend Amy Winehouse, according to several newspaper reports.

The Sun claim that Doherty has fled to Paris after the ghost of Winehouse appeared to him at his Camden flat and is “too frightened to return”. A friend added that “he is utterly convinced that he has seen her ghost.” 

 “A lot of people will think his visions are probably drug-induced,” they added, accurately summing up the mood of absolutely everyone who reads the story, “but he claims he is clean.” Of course he does. But then again he once forced his cat to smoke from a crack pipe, so forgive us if we don’t take everything he says at face value.

Still, it comes to something if Pete Doherty has seen more ghosts than us. After all, he’s not even trying.

The problem we have here is that this story is simply too absurd to mock. It mocks itself. It’s just Pete’s junkie friends making up cheap stories, with scant regard for the grieving family of a much-loved singer. Doherty, and anyone who knows him, should be forced to move to Paris permanently and be beaten to death by burly Customs Officers should they ever try to return.  

Anyone who has been subjected to the laughably self-indulgent second Libertines album will agree that punishment is more than fair.

Note: It was tempting to end this entry with a joke about how Pete Doherty had seen the sallow, haunting figure of a once talented musician in his flat, but then realised he was looking in a mirror. But we decided not to. We’re better than that.

Not much happening in the paranormal realm, folks. Not in these parts, anyway. It’s almost as if ghosts don’t exist or something. Weird.

With very little spookiness being reported in the national press recently, allow us to regurgitate some tawdry nonsense from a few months ago about police looking for ghosts in Scotland. Yeah, we know. It really has come to this.

In an article which does the Scottish Police force’s PR department absolutely no favours, STV reports that a recent Freedom of Information request has revealed numerous cases of police being called out to investigate paranormal activity, including UFO and ghost sightings.

Given this is Scotland we’re talking about, you’d think that officers would have better things to do than scurry about looking for ghouls like some kind of poorly-assembled Scooby Doo unit, but no. This is exactly what they’re doing, every single one of them, whilst citizens lie dying in the gutter. Probably.

Police help a man who had been attacked by a will-o'-the-wisp

STV explains that Tayside Police were contacted by one person claiming they were being “attacked by ghosts in their Dundee house” (no, that’s not a euphemism), but when officers arrived it was found that the “victim” was simply hallucinating. Which is probably just as well, because it must be pretty hard to arrest a ghost. The handcuffs would keep dropping onto the floor for a start.

The article goes on to talk about tedious and improbable UFO sightings, making a few hilarious Mulder and Scully references along the way, but the whole thing is such a yawning non-story that the fact that we’ve had to resort to writing about it is embarrassing for us. If anyone is still reading this, we apologise.

Actually, this whole debacle is summed up nicely by the following sentence: “… April 27, 2010, a Dundee resident reported a sighting of lights in the sky over the city, believed by the caller to be either UFOs or daybreak.”

That’s right: daybreak. Someone actually called the police because they saw the sun come up. Probably not something the Scottish Tourist Board want to draw too much attention to, but that’s the reality of living in Dundee.

 Please, for the love of all things ghostly, let something vaguely interesting happen soon. The absolute dearth of decent paranormal material out there is really testing our faith.

After a quiet few months in the paranormal world, thank goodness we can rely on the Metro for ensuring ghosts remain in the public interest. Although a newspaper typically so tedious that it makes you feel like you’ve been ripped off despite the fact that it’s free, the London commuter’s rag of choice deserves special praise for publishing two equally preposterous ghost stories in quick succession.

Following the Texas child abuse story from last week, the Metro has now reported that a retired printer from Wales is being taught new songs (dramatic pause) by the ghost of John Lennon. We understand if you need to take a few moments to marvel at the sheer integrity and passion for hard news which must overwhelm the Metro’s newsroom.

Having recorded 50 of these songs, 56 year-old Mike Powell is planning on sending them to (God help us) Yoko Ono. Quite what she’s supposed to do with them we’re not sure, but considering she’s always looking for new and inventive ways to destroy the Beatles’ legacy she’s bound to think of something.

John Lennon as he might look as a ghost.

The problem we have is that it’s difficult to know where to begin picking holes in this story. Even presuming John Lennon’s ghost does exist (for most of us a gargantuan task in its own right), why on earth would he select someone with no musical ability to showcase his work from beyond the grave? Surely his son would have been a far better candidate or, at a push, Sir Paul McCartney. And if he was going to choose a musical novice as his representative on earth, he may as well have appeared to Ringo.

The real joke is that Mr Powell wasn’t even a fan of Lennon’s. He didn’t even like the Beatles. He wasn’t from Liverpool. This man had absolutely no connection to John Lennon, or the music industry in general, in any way. This story is so farcical that the Metro may as well have printed a summary of the plot of Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed as if it were a true series of events.

Anyway, we know what you’re all thinking: do the songs hold up? Has he managed to top Imagine? Decide for yourselves by listening to Yoko I Love You.

Personally, we prefer his earlier work. You know, from when he was alive and not having his name kicked through the dirt by desperate charlatans and fame-hungry maniacs like Mr Powell. And Yoko.

If running this blog has taught us anything, it’s that there is a certain stigma attached to being a paranormal enthusiast. As a topic most people take about as seriously as Morris Dancing, telling people you have even a fleeting interest in ghosts immediately invokes looks of pity or contempt. Either way, you’ll probably find yourself invited to far fewer parties. With your social status diminished to a low you never imagined possible, you might as well have told your friends you were a child molester.

One of the many problems we imagine paranormal enthusiasts often encounter is the lack of evidence to support their beliefs. “If ghosts exist,” many will scoff, “show me the evidence.” And then when you do try to show them some form of evidence, they’ll simply refute it with reasoning and logic. And, most likely, punch you in the face.

Frankly, when stories like this surface, it’s difficult to feel much sympathy.

This report from the expertly written and definitely not racist Daily Mail claims that a young family from Coventry (I know, but bear with us) have “fled their house in terror” after capturing poltergeist activity on video. Seriously, the Daily Mail again? We know it’s always looking for new and inventive ways to scare the life out of people, but it’s fast becoming the paranormal rag of choice. Who’s the Editor over there these days; Derek Acorah?

The Mannings, pictured here looking terrified.

Anyway, the story drones on about phantom footsteps, doors slamming, lights flickering – the usual generic ghostly crap. Read it here if you’re interested; it’s far too dull to talk about at any length. Except for the bit about a dog flinging itself down the stairs. That was fairly amusing.

One thing you must do, however, is watch the accompanying video. This is the “evidence” the paranormal world has apparently been crying out for, and it takes the form of shaky video footage of a chair being pulled across a room on a piece of string.

“It’s like living in a scary movie,” wails Lisa Manning, mother of the family, although as a resident of Coventry this is presumably a sentence she’s uttered many times before.

Perhaps that’s the problem: knowing that this event took place in Coventry reduces the story’s credibility by approximately 98%. The other 2% is reduced by the canine suicide.

I think we can all agree that if, one day, irrefutable proof of ghosts does surface and there is to be a world-wide media storm,  it isn’t going to happen in the Midlands.

 Looking For Ghosts is always pleased when a ghost story is reported in the national press. Not because it lends credibility to the paranormal community (it doesn’t) but largely because it forces professional Journalists to write earnest features about orbs and use phrases like “things that go bump in the night” without a hint of irony. It’s probably not the Pulitzer-winning breakthrough story they dreamt of when they first joined the news desk as a fresh-faced, eager young graduate. As the article shuffles from one dubious eye-witness account to the next, the sense of the writer’s disappointment in their own work is almost palpable. It may as well have been written in tears.

Inevitably, by the time the article is complete, the transformation into a bitter, degraded old hack, scrambling around for tedious stories like a pig in the dirt, is complete. If the author in question is a Daily Mail Journalist, this makes the process all the more enjoyable. It’s like watching someone have a bucket of misery poured all over their dreams. Ha!

This is precisely what the newswire has thrown up at us today, as we’re fed this load of utter horse shit about a French couple who have spent over £3,000 on hotel bills after being run out of their home in Frodsham, Cheshire, by poltergeists.

The article explains how musician Jean Marc Mariole and his wife Charlotte are regularly forced to check into the local Holiday Inn during the early hours because of “stamping noises, flying blobs and even levitating bed sheets.” All of which sounds perfectly plausible, as long as you’re prepared to have your beliefs stretched to breaking point and the bit of your brain that filters out logic and common sense surgically removed.

According to the Mail, the couple have already invested £18,000 in decorating their “dream home”, which seems to consist of a rented flat above a butcher’s shop. It seems unlikely that this would ever be someone’s dream home; a flat above a butcher’s shop is not even the dream home of the Butcher in question. What were they living in before, a sewer? Also, as someone rightly points out in the comments section, why on earth would anyone invest £18,000 in decorating a rented flat? For that money, not to mention the £3,000 in hotel bills, they would have been much better off just moving somewhere else.

With the rationality of this couple looking decidedly fragile already, their ghost stories become increasingly hard to believe.

“It’s terrifying. We see black silhouettes on the walls and hear screams at night. Sometimes it sounds like a grown man crying,” explains Jean-Marc. Perhaps they live next door to a Daily Mail Journalist?

“The noise is very distressing – it’s like something out of a horror movie and does not help our sex life.” Thanks. That’s good to know. We were all wondering…

Anyway, read the whole story here if you want to be further repulsed by an old French couple rutting away like a couple of sweaty, grunting boars.

Don’t forget to inundate the Mail’s message board with hateful obscenities!

If you’re looking for an example of the paranormal being treated with far too much importance, then look no further than Thorpe Park. The UK’s 614th most popular Theme Park may be a disease-ridden Mecca for the poorly educated, neglected and unwashed but it evidently takes ghosts very seriously, having just moved one of its rides for fear it may have been built on an ancient burial ground.

Construction workers building the new Storm Surge water ride claim to have experienced several ghost sightings, including a headless monk, prompting managers at the park to rethink their plans.

According to London’s Evening Standard: “a paranormal detection agency was called in to carry out tests and found that an ancient burial ground or settlement could have been disturbed.”

Could have been disturbed. Possibly. Although probably not. But maybe. If this is the sort of detailed analysis you can expect from a paranormal detection agency, Thorpe Park would have been better off asking a Magic 8-Ball what they should do. It would have saved them a lot of money and probably made more sense.

Storm Surge: headless monks not pictured. Obviously. They don't exist.

Mike Vallis, divisional Director of Thorpe Park claims: “Staff reports of eerie goings-on shot up and the only physical change in the park, at that time, was the beginning of ground preparation work for the new ride.”

“As employees were getting freaked out, we decided to call on an expert to see whether there was anything to report but had no idea of the dramatic effects.”

And what dramatic effects would these be, exactly? Some crackpot team of charlatans feeding you a load of bullshit about burial grounds? Is it not far more likely that the staff, as upstanding and principled as they almost certainly are NOT, are just…lying? You can’t call out the Ghostbusters every time someone thinks they see a shadow move. What kind of company policy is that?  

Anyway, presumably concluding that a load of ghosts wandering around would be bad for park business, bosses have ordered the 64ft structure to be moved to a new location so that customers won’t be harassed by the undead. This seems reasonable; who in the right mind would want to see a ghost?

The truth is they really needn’t have bothered.  As a place where thick people go to have fun, Thorpe Park is already an unabashed wasteland of misery and despair; a few headless monks haunting the place would be a welcome relief from the hoards of tracksuit wearing Neanderthals shoving candyfloss into the faces of their fat children.

For the benefit of society as a whole, just pull the whole thing down and let the ghosts run amok.

Want to hear something really stupid? Of course you do. Why else would you be reading a paranormal blog?

We’ll be the first to admit that Looking For Ghosts has featured some ridiculous stories on occasion. There’s been a ghost bus. Even a ghost chicken. But this next report is so laughably insane that it makes both of those stories seem like Pulitzer Prize-winning masterpieces of monumental integrity.

In an article which even Derek Acorah would probably describe as “utter bullshit”, a paranormal expert in Britain has claimed that ghosts are contacting the living through mobile phones, with the number of mystery calls attributed to them rising by 43 percent in the last four years.

Phil Hayes, a spectre investigator from Paranormal Research UK, claims that a third of all haunting are now through mobile phones.

“There is evidence to suggest that ghosts can use phones to communicate, with reports of people receiving phone calls from deceased relatives,” Hayes is quoted as saying. Although exactly what type of “evidence” he is referring to is unclear; presumably it’s not the kind of evidence that you can see. Or hear. Or exists.

He goes on to explain that the calls feature heavy static with a “faint and distant voice”, with the caller ID often showing as “withheld number” or “000000000000”.

Definitely sounds like ghosts to us. What else could it be? Apart from telemarketing companies, of course. Or a fault with the line. Or just about anything else.

In a study which was, bizarrely, conducted by Tesco Mobile, it has been revealed that there is a 70 percent rise in paranormal evidence in the last year due to people using their phones. Again, “evidence” in this context appears to be based entirely of listening to the stories their customers have made up. Worse still, they seem to be actively encouraging this absurdity.

“We’d recommend those brave enough to capture any spooky sightings should MMS or email their pics to the paranormal society for investigation,”  says Lance Batchelor, CEO of Tesco Mobile, common sense and logic seemingly having abandoned him completely.

“Keep your camera phone on the highest quality resolution setting and use the recorder to capture the noise of any spectral sounds,” he adds.

Perhaps it would be more responsible to advise their customers not to confuse basic technical glitches with paranormal activity, whilst also seeking to reassure them that the souls of the dead are not trying to get in touch. But, far from trying to distance themselves from this lunacy, Tesco appear to be keen to establish itself as the network of choice for spirits and ghouls.

And if you can’t trust the nation’s biggest supermarket chain to keep a level head, then what chance have the rest of us got? On the strength of this story, we are a nation in decline.

Fancy living in a Haunted House? No, didn’t think so.

Nor, it seems, does anyone. Wymering Manor, reportedly the most haunted manor house in the UK, was recently up for auction for £375,000 but failed to sell. Perhaps buyers were put off by the fact that this Grade 2 listed building needs roughly £150,000 worth of restoration work to stop it from crumbling down around them. Or perhaps it’s because it’s located in Portsmouth, Britain’s answer to Chernobyl.

But mainly, we suspect, it’s because it’s chock-full of ghosts. Around 20-30 of the bastards according to “investigators of the paranormal” (or “peddlers of bullshit” as they are known to everyone else).

Wymering Manor: "Fairly spooky", supposedly.

As you’d expect with any house which is purportedly haunted, Wymering Manor comes complete with sudden drops in temperature, the sound of “children laughing and whispering” and  “a host of unseen hands which reach out to touch those passing by.” Cryptically, it also lists “a ghostly choir of nuns who scuttle across the hall” as one of its features. God only knows what that must look like.

The former monastery, featured in the 1086 Domesday Book , boasts two “priest holes” (unfortunately not nearly as rude as it sounds) where Catholics hid to escape persecution. In Portsmouth, this could have been as recently as 2003.

Hilariously, security guards who patrol the manor have also attested that there is something “fairly spooky” going on, which is about as conclusive as it’s possible to get without actually seeing anything paranormal happen. Which we never will.

Priest Hole: priest, sadly, not pictured.

Amazingly, this absolute gem of a property is still on the market. Chartered surveyor Jeremy Lamb remains upbeat: “It’s certainly a unique selling point…” he offers hopefully.

So if you’ve got half a million to spare and fancy living in a decaying wreck with a load of ghouls whilst you question your own worthless existence, why not make a bid?

Alternatively, why not make your own haunted house? Follow these easy steps:

  1. Remain in your current house
  2. Turn the heating down
  3. Make up some stuff

Congratulations! You now live in Britain’s most haunted house. Why not call in some paranormal “experts” to agree with your laughable stories, nodding their heads in admiration as you tell them that your bathroom was built on an ancient burial ground? No one can disprove anything, you’ll be fine. You might even make the national news!

This story was brought to our attention by the ever-ludicrous Daily Mail, by the way. Read it in full here.

Ta-da! It’s the second installment of our regular perusal through the news for recent paranormal japes. Last time we gave you Jordan and Piers Morgan… but this time the celebrity thermometer is hitting boiling point with the world’s favourite transvestite, a bloated rock corpse, an ex-Blue Peter presenter and a famous film with actors nobody has heard of in it. Enjoy. 

Lady GaGa is great isn’t he/she? No? Oh dear. Well, like it or loathe it, GaGa has seen a bloody ghost, so we have to feature it. According to well-loved British lie machine The Mirror, pop-tart GaGa spent three grand on ghoul catching equipment recently to rid its back-stage area (ohh err!) of bad spirits. 

Aieeee! It's hideous...

GaGa has a history with ghosts. Earlier this year, it claimed the ghost of its dead aunt saved it from coke addiction

In other news, the lizard king himself Jim Morrison apparently haunts the toilet in a Santa Monica restaurant according to this entirely not-made-up report. The bog used to be the recording booth where the ex-Doors frontman recorded he vocals for the band’s hit LA Woman in 1970. Office manager Christine Chilcote steals the show by suggesting: “Funky things happen all the time we can’t explain.” 

In many ways, customers could say they were pissing on the ghost of the Doors, which unfortunately, Ray Manzarek’s “tribute band”, The Doors of the 21st Century, have been doing for some time. 

In news that has shook the ghost-hunting community to its very core, Yvette Fielding left her role as presenter of Most Haunted. Fielding, who also created Most Haunted, presented the “serious” ghost catching programme since 2002 but now, the future of the hilarious show hangs in the balance. We at Looking For Ghosts feel we must start a campaign to keep the programme going because of its monumentally high levels of entertainment. But we won’t. 

Maybe Lady GaGa could replace her. 

Also, good news for fans of scary films… the new trailer for Paranormal Activity 2 has been released into cinemas,earning a prompt ban in Texas for being too scary. Great stuff. Hopefully the film will be as good as the original, which came in at number 6 in our top ten paranormal films of all time.

So far, in our grand search for ghouls, we’ve not had much luck. We wouldn’t complain so much but it seems that there are people out there getting spooked all the time.

It looks like you might be more likely to come across a ghost while just minding your own business. Here, Looking For Ghosts highlights some of the lucky sods that have made the news around the world with their paranormal experiences.

We start with a case of ghosts fresh off the wires today. In a day centre in Wales, flying objects and over-excited printers have given workers the heeby-jeebies. A standard paranormal story? We’re just getting started.

For those of you who are not au fait with the model called Jordan, let us tell you now, she’s isn’t well known for her ghost hunting. Which makes it even more annoying that the orange-faced bint has been haunted by the apparition of a nurse. This story is replete with a terrifying picture of psychic blimp Russell Grant looking like a demented vicar.

She's seen a ghost and we haven't. Life isn't fair...

In this tale of utter toss, we learn how a paranormal piece of rock was propelled at TV tosser Piers Morgan.

Not only are we subjected to a daft ghost story but we learn that the judges on X-Factor “asked for hot water bottles to keep their bums warm”. Thanks for that.

Finally, we pop over to New Zealand, where apparently an old building has been making strange noises. Well I never.

This story is made all the better by the picture of two gormless ghost hunters. The bloke on the right looks to be tackling the spooks with some sort of electrical kitchen appliance. What a tit. We all know all you need to catch a ghost is a butterfly net.

In conclusion, we’re moving to Wales, getting 34DD boob implants, keeping an eye out for rocks that move and stocking up on electric whisks.

Looking For Ghosts

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